Carrie Bradshaw, played by Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City, may be a fashion icon and a cultural inspiration, but her tumultuous relationship with Mr Big, whose real moniker was John James Preston, has long sparked debate among fans and relationship experts. As a sex and relationship columnist, Bradshaw’s repeated returns to Big, an emotionally unavailable man with two failed marriages, often left viewers both puzzled. She just couldn’t fall for men better than Big, with their relationship going through the same issues in every stint.
The relationship pattern, popularly known as groundhogging, has made its way to or the social media generation. Borrowing from the premise of the movie Groundhog Day, where the same day repeats endlessly, the term refers to a familiar dating experience: a different partner, the same emotional story.
-based psychotherapist Arouba Kabir explains that groundhogging is less about bad luck and more about unconscious patterns that shape how people choose partners.
“Groundhogging is when you keep choosing different people, but the relationship feels eerily the same. Different face but same emotional script. For example, the same hot-and-cold dynamic, the same unavailable partner, the same betrayal, the same “this time will be different” hope and the same heartbreak, Kabir explains.
Kabir notes that people are often stuck in this loop when anxiety appears very early, and discomfort with the partner is dismissed as “this is just how love feels.”
According to Kabir, these cycles are rarely accidental. “If you grew up earning love, chasing approval, or walking on eggshells…you may unconsciously feel drawn to partners who recreate that emotional climate. Red flags don’t feel red. They feel normal. Because the nervous system prefers familiar pain over unfamiliar peace, especially in Indian or asian families, where love and fear are often mixed,” she says.
Talking about recognising groundhogging signs, Kabir highlights that people slipping into familiar cycles often experience bodily anxiety mistaken for “butterflies”, intense attachment very early, and a stronger desire to be chosen than to choose. “The biggest sign,” Kabir says, “is feeling like you’re auditioning rather than relating.”
For those raised in emotionally chaotic environments, calm relationships may appear boring or lacking excitement. A stable partner may be dismissed as “too nice” or “too predictable” simply because safety feels unfamiliar. Kabir explains that anxious attachment can lead to chasing emotionally unavailable partners, while avoidant attachment may result in choosing partners who desire more closeness than one can offer, and can confuse “intermittent affection” with love.
External factors such as loneliness, societal pressure, or dating fatigue can intensify groundhogging. “Societal urgency can override intuition, and loneliness makes red flags look pink, and dating fatigue makes ‘good enough’ feel acceptable. When you’re tired of being alone, your brain prioritises attachment over alignment. And that’s when groundhogging accelerates,” Kabir adds.
To break the pattern, Kabir advises people to reflect on past relationships and identify recurring emotional patterns. Understanding personal triggers, slowing down attraction, and paying attention to how the body feels around someone can help identify grounghogging.
“But calm can feel boring if your nervous system grew up in chaos and you haven’t healed it. So you may reject the safe partner because: “He’s too nice.” “She’s too stable.” “It doesn’t feel exciting.” It doesn’t feel exciting because it doesn’t feel threatening, and your body is still addicted to adrenaline,” she explains.
