I was scrolling through my phone gallery the other day, almost mindlessly, when I froze. There was a photo of me from… gosh, must be eight years ago now, clicked by an ex. We were at Goa’s Sinquerim beach, at dusk, and I was laughing at something silly she said. I don’t even remember what it was, but I remember how I felt — light, happy… until I wasn’t. Because that memory slammed into a moment I had just a couple of years ago, with my next partner. She said something that made me forget who was standing in front of me. For a second, I saw my ex in her place, with the same complaint – that I went out of my way to help someone who’s not even a friend, just an acquaintance. I froze again, because I realised… this has become baggage, something I’m scared of now when I think of relationships, because I anticipate the same fight happening all over again with a new partner.
I also realised that it’s not just that one thing. I’ve noticed other ghosts of exes creeping in, too. I’ve got this massive trigger when I feel someone looking down on me. One of my exes used to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough constantly – like I wasn’t doing well enough for my age, wasn’t successful enough, wasn’t fit enough, wasn’t… enough. It got to me so much that now, I am certain that if a partner – or even a new flame – hints at anything close to that, I would either shut down completely or get defensive. I remember this one time when an ex said something offhand, like, “You could’ve handled that work thing better,” and how I just… lost it. I snapped and said, “I’m doing my best, okay?” and then felt awful, because I knew that wasn’t about her. It was about another ex, still lurking in the back of my mind, making me feel small. I know I need to deal with this with professional help because these micro-triggers are everywhere, and they’re messing with my present in ways I don’t want.
Thinking about this, I got curious and wondered if I’m the only one carrying these ghosts around. So I started talking to people. Over coffee a couple of days ago, Susmita Pakrasi, 33, a PR professional, shared her story. She told me about a partner she was with for two years, who was so inconsistent with his efforts in the . “One day he’d be all in, planning dates, talking about the future,” she said, stirring her iced latte, “and the next, he’d just… disappear emotionally, you know?” Now, Susmita says she’s hyper-vigilant of this in potential partners. “If I sense they’re not consistent, I’m out—I can’t deal with that again.” But then she smiled a little and said, “It’s not all bad, though. I also look for the good stuff I loved in past relationships—like, I had a partner who was thoughtful, expressive, and appreciative of what I bring to the table, and I find myself wanting that, or even searching for that in potential partners.”
I keep thinking about how past relationships shape us, sometimes in ways we don’t even see until it’s too late. For me, it’s not just the fear of being judged or the baggage of being criticised for helping others. There’s another thing – the same ex who used to make me feel less of myself was also so intense about everything. She did, in her own way, push me to be better, which I appreciated… until it made me feel like I was failing her. Now, I get this weird anxiety when someone expects too much of me. Like, after the last edition of Mind the Heart was published, a friend – not even a partner – said, “You should really step up your game with your column,” and I felt this tightness in my chest, like I was back in that old relationship, trying to prove I’m enough. It’s exhausting.
I spoke to Sonam, 38, a wedding planner and designer, over drinks last night, and she opened up about her past. She has had two relationships where her partners were… well, let’s just say extremely possessive. “Everything was great initially, both times, but soon, I started feeling suffocated,” she said, “like I couldn’t breathe. One of my exes broke someone’s nose after that man complimented me.” Now, when someone pursues her – or if there’s someone she’s interested in – she’s always on edge, watching for signs they might turn into that kind of partner. “I’m constantly looking out for it,” she admitted, “and I know it’s not fair to them, but I can’t help it.” Her words got me thinking just how much these ghosts can hold us back, even when we don’t mean for them to.
How do we stop these ghosts from haunting our present? I mean really stop them, not just brushing them under the carpet. I’ve been figuring this out myself, and here’s what’s been helping me. Maybe it’ll help you too. First, I’ve started catching myself in the moment. When I feel that defensiveness creeping in, I pause and ask, “Is this about her, or my ex?” Just identifying it makes it less heavy, almost like I’m taking the power back. Susmita said she now approaches things with an open mind, without past trauma casting a shadow over her actions and thought processes. “I think that’s a bold and courageous step, otherwise we won’t be able to move on in life,” she told me.
When I catch myself comparing a prospective partner to an ex, I stop and list three things I like about her—like how she always makes me laugh when I’m stressed, or how she remembers the little things I say. It pulls me back to the now, not the then. I also recommend talking about it to friends. I told a friend about how my ex’s judgment still gets to me, and just hearing her say, “You’re enough, Vivek,” made me feel lighter, somehow.
I might need to talk to a professional about this eventually – these micro-triggers aren’t going away on their own. But I’m learning that these ghosts don’t have to run the show now. They’re part of my story, sure, but they don’t get to write the ending. If there’s one thing I’m holding onto, it’s that love – real, present love – is worth the work of letting go.
Mind the Heart attempts to uncover the unspoken in our relationships—or the over-discussed, without nuance—spanning solo paths, family bonds, and romantic hopes. Join us to discover the whys of our ties.
